It is sunday afternoon. I always have several topics in my mind for my AE entry and also the texts prepared. That doesn’t mean they are completely written but I work in science so the outline is finished, notes are already added and just the finishing touch is missing. That is one I love to do shortly before so it reflects me at that moment.
Art is very personal to me and I would guess to many of you too. It may be often looked upon as “just” old fashioned hand craft in case you knit or quilt, sometimes “just” as crafts you are doing with some painting or sketch booking and so on…
But if you need to do it on a regular basis, if you have the urge to go on experimenting, it is more than “just” a hobby but rather a big part of who you are.
I often (no, not always) love my finished work. Sometimes even years later, at other times I think it is strange how excited I was about a piece I made only a year ago (and forgetting I needed this to be able to grow my abilities).
But most of all I need the process of creation and experimentation itself. The curiosity, the playfulness, the pure mess, the moment the ideas and images in my head transform into reality and how interestingly the change during this process.
These are all thoughts going through my head right now. As I said, I had some other ideas prepared but I put them on hold. They would not fit me right now. There are times in life that are more challenging than others. I am in one of these right now. I love to have everything under control and it scares me deeply when this illusion is sometimes lifted.
My first reaction coping is to be “functional”. I go to work but everything else is too much to handle. I know at the same moment how wrong this is (and I still have to write a lot of apologies) but I am stuck inside me. During this time I am also not creating even though I need it to keep myself sane. I believe it is also a coping mechanism since when I create I put myself into it…
…but if you hurt or are afraid, it may be not bearable? The fragile control may break before you are ready for it?
Not a lot of people understand this. But the ones who have this urge to create often do. For me, art is personal. Art is not connected to the level of perfection but rather the emotion it creates. Something simply nice and beautiful may be fast forgotten, but something that moves me inside, may it be good or bad, is art for me. Expression of the own inner self.
I am still not able to go fully back to create but I found a middle way for me. I started to play with acrylic pouring. It is a random act where one can only control the ingredients but the outcome only so much. It is messy and colourful and so relaxing to see the paint flow… to simply let go… and I can use my torch! I found the youtube channel of Annemarie Ridderhof by chance and knew that I want to play like that.
I am still experimenting and it cracked my shell a little bit (after all, one advantage with getting older is, that one gets better to trick onself). It is now sunday evening over here. I put on the water for my next coffee and I started to write/create apologies for the ones I kept out in the last weeks and hope they will accept it.
Maybe I will eat an easter egg too…!
PS: In case you have any questions about the acrylic pouring, I really recommend Annemarie’s channel, but I will also try to answer you (or tell you of may failures 😉 ).